the 1

The 1.

I’m not sure how I got here or where I came from anymore. I’m not sure if it was a switch or if I was just tired of truly trying. I don’t really care to be perceived in any kind of way anymore, and I do most things for the sake of myself. I do things because I wanna and I don’t do things because I don’t wanna. I’ve never felt more sure of myself than I do at this moment and I’ve never been more content with my life than I do now. This is who I’ve been working to become. This is where I begin again.

I can say no if I want and say yes if I want and I don’t feel bad about any decision that I’ve chosen anymore. I still feel as if I don’t know anything about anything anymore, but I’ve let go of the pressure of knowing and predicting. I think that’s the key to it all. Letting go of trying to know everything and just letting the universe lead and guide you because you are exactly where you need to be. It’s important to be in the moment and take care of yourself now. Your future self will rejoice.

I decided to listen to the playlist that I listened to during this time last year. I’m quickly reminded of the person I was and how lost she felt. How she saw an opportunity and just went for it. How she let go of the idea of the guy she thought she’d be with and who she was at that moment. She was powerful and she just didn’t know it. I am a product of all of my past selves, and now that this year is ending, I’m not sure if that person is truly gone. I’m not sure if she was ever meant to leave… if any of that makes sense. The idea of me evolving doesn’t mean letting go of myself, but letting go of all of those negative internalized feelings. Letting life play out the way it’s meant to. Letting go of the pain that’s come with hurting myself begging for someone to love me the way I tried to love them. I think I did it, guys.

Again, I’m not sure of the exact moment all of this happened. I’m not sure this feeling will stay. I’m sure I’ll feel lost again and I’ll feel like I don’t know what the heck is going on, but I hope to remember how I feel at this moment.