Pluto Projector
The cool thing about TikTok is that it exposes you to new music and different artists. This song pretty much catapulted my dry spell of not writing leisurely. Rex Orange County has some other hits as well. You guys should check them out!
I want to talk briefly about the quiet moments writers don’t talk about when our minds are going 100 miles an hour, but the words just won’t come out. This feeling is torturous. I hate when I feel like I need to write, but nothing comes out. I’d rather have a foggy mind or something because the fogginess eventually goes away. It’s so hard to slow down my brain sometimes when I know there’s something I need to write, but it isn’t quite coming out correctly.
The other day, my brain slowed down and I wrote two chapters of a new project I’ve been wanting to start. I didn’t know how I should start it, so I started with myself… if that makes any sense to anyone. I’m writing something that I wish I could read. I’m writing for myself again and that’s beautiful in itself. I’ve been doing a lot of things for myself lately. I like that.
Anyways, I really did want to talk about the lyrics to this song and how they’ve inspired me. One lyric says, “am I man to understand my faults?” I went into a very deep quandary about this question… was I really meant to understand myself 100% of the time? I then thought about all of the times I projected who I thought I was supposed to be to appear likable when in reality, it made my understanding of self worse. I think I understand myself a bit more than yesterday. I don’t put pressure on the unknown anymore either. I appear to be someone else to different people anyway, so there’s not a need to put any pressure on appearance. The girls that get it, get it, and the girls that don’t, don’t.
I had a talk with a friend about detachment and why he was so good at it. Although I don’t necessarily agree with some of what he said, I think there were a couple of things I could learn about his way of detachment. Ignoring. I tend to dwell on those sad emotions and let them sit and sit until I believe those things to be true about myself, but if I felt those feelings, let them move past me, and then occupy my time with doing things I love. I love writing, I love listening to music, I love going to River City, I love naps, and I love hanging out with my friends. So now I’m doing all of those things and life doesn’t seem as hard… even if I have a grey hair at 23 to prove it.
I think my conclusion in all of my deep diving is that I want to do things that make me happy and be around people that bring out the good parts of me as well. I think that although I don’t understand myself most of the time, I know that I want peace and I will do whatever it takes to get there. Now that I am learning the law of detachment, I think I am one step closer to “understanding myself.”