Distance
I absolutely love this song by Yebba. I listen to it every day while I’m making my morning coffee. There’s another song by Emily King that is just as good. I hope you get a feel for my taste in music while reading some of my work.
I’ve been doing a lot of writing and deleting lately, but I wanted to challenge myself to post something today. Every time I go to delete something, I think of the conversation a couple of years back with Brittney. I told her I wanted to get rid of two journals I wrote in 2019-2020 because I was whining and didn’t enjoy what I wrote. She encouraged me not to, and I didn't, for her. I was bored the other day and decided to read a couple of entries while I was drinking wine. It felt like a time machine, almost. I felt like I was being catapulted into a time before covid, before “discovering” myself, and before I found my actual voice as a writer. It was a time I questioned myself the most, but never everyone else around me. It was the time right after I was finding my “look.” It was single-handly the most important time of my life, up until these last couple of months, and I almost threw it all away.
Distance isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve always been a firm believer in distancing oneself in order to find clarity. I’ve found that to be the best way to combat the world too. Distancing myself from who I’m supposed to be to you, and becoming closer to the person who I know I am. I don’t chase, I attract type beat. I’ve gotten a lot better at detaching myself from certain outcomes as well. I still think it’s important to feel, but I think I’ve finally found a healthy balance between feeling the feelings and detaching from them as well because ultimately, we are not those feelings. We have to allow them to flow through us because if we hold onto anger or sadness, then we become it. It starts manifesting in everything else.
In all of my journals, in each ever-changing season of my life, my goal is to be at peace. I want to be at peace with who I am and where I’m at in life. I think peace also comes with acceptance and in the past, I’ve had a hard time accepting the things that have happened to me because I question everything. Although I question things for the sake of art, I think I’ve learned to stop questioning myself. Then peace came. I accept every part of me. I accept. Then came self-love and gratitude for the distance I put between the “self” and “worldly” projections.
This will probably be my last blog until the New Year. I hope everyone learned a little bit about themselves this year. The one piece of advice I would give to everyone reading is to accept yourself first so you won’t be looking for others to accept you and stop neglecting yourself for the acceptance of others. I wish it hadn’t taken me 23 years to figure that part out, but, finally.