doomsday

Before you read, listen to this song by Lizzy McAlpine. I’ve always thought I was good at moving on. Letting things be and letting people be who they were meant… but for the first time in my life, I had wanted more for someone than they wanted for themselves. I had seen their soul and every part of their heart, even when they tried to hide from me. I never imagined myself accepting that our time was up for good. Our chapter has finally ended. I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to daydream about the what-ifs anymore because I know the end. I know that we were not right for each other.

I always try to find the takeaways from all of this. What did I learn about myself when we were together? I know now that I can love. I know now that I love fiercely and unapologetically. I learned that I don’t give up. I am patient and kind and careful. I can communicate the things that bother me and can find solutions. I learned that there are things in a relationship that I can no longer compromise at 24. All of these realizations made me love myself more. I know all of this sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Ask him. Ask them all, actually.

I’m not trying to talk myself up. Writing is how I try to find all of the answers to all of this, truly. I’ve always felt that I needed to know the why. Why had this happened? Why had I felt that way towards them? And so on. I had to find the beauty in it all because if I had focused on the ugly, I would turn into it. I didn’t want that. I don’t cast out the ugly, though. That is beautiful, too. I’ve just learned how to let it go with my words.

I know that if it weren’t for him, I would have never truly seen me. I would’ve never been this secure with myself. I think that’s something to celebrate. I seriously don’t know how I got here or where I came from, but I’m grateful. Endings are beautiful, too.