Poison Poison

I don’t know what I want to title the first post of the New Year. It’s been a long while, but I’ve learned that I become the most inspired at the end of the year, the first of the year, when the first flower blossoms, and when the first leaf from a tree falls. I had wondered if I’d learned anything, really. What could I take away from this swift year? It had been a short one, and yet, here I am. A couple of pounds gained, a few more clothes, a new furry friend… I couldn’t have been the person I had started last year with.

What I do know is that the one thing I had prided myself on, the one thing I had wanted, the one thing that drove me through this world, is something I no longer crave or long for anymore. I don’t want love. Well, maybe I had changed. I don’t want it like I used to. It used to consume me. I dreamed of when and where I’d meet “the one.” The pit in my stomach and knowing that the person before me would be the person I’d spend the rest of my life with. The stupid little visions of me laughing until I had cried. The holding hands and talking until I my throat grew sore. The little trinkets we’d buy each other because “that made me think of you.” The quiet and comfortable moments we’d share that were ours and didn’t belong to anyone else. I had written about it over and over again. Love was the theme of my life, and I didn’t want it to be anymore. I don’t care, nor do I want it to be a central topic of what I write anymore. I had love. I am it.

I had seen too much last year. The shadows of what people thought love was and endured, wrapping those shadows around their shoulders and tugging them close, didn’t appease me. It didn’t move me. I had seen a lot of pain and the constant taking and never giving. I didn’t want someone to take all of me, to drain me to nothing.

I told myself I’d wait. I’d wait for kindness, softness, and the warmness they (whoever) would give. I’d wait on the person who was my equal, and I would be okay with being alone because I knew. I knew that this shit wasn’t what was all that had been left for me. I don’t want shadows. I will no longer entertain them or make the central topic the central theme of my life anymore. And so, I don’t care about love. Fuck it.

The Bug Collector

This weather does something to me if I’m being honest. I can think of a million and one things to write about, but the only thing that’s on my mind is me sitting here at the coffee shop. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, though. I think it has something to do with the “dating hiatus” I’m on. I get to become myself. My authentic self without wondering if a guy likes who I’ve become or not. I think that’s the strange and damaging thing about dating that we accidentally teach girls. The “no boy will like you if you do this or that,” is polarizing for some women. To think their only value comes from the gaze of men is traumatizing.

I get so angry at myself for being that person that filtered themselves because they were too loud or talked too much. I was a shell of who I wanted to be, who I was, and who I’ve always needed. So one day, I decided to become it. I became the person I have always needed. I questioned everything and trusted myself to make the right decision. I was gentle and kind to myself because I knew mistakes were bound to happen. I affirmed myself when no one else knew I needed it.

I can’t recall the exact moment of my “transformation,” but I know that my friends could tell that I was much happier after a while. I think it’s so easy to become dependent on others to make you feel euphoria, that whenever you go cold turkey, you suffer from withdrawal. There were times when I thought that if I just reached out to that one guy, maybe I wouldn’t have to feel alone… but I stopped myself because I loved myself that much.

This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

I am 100% a Swiftie, and I wanted to let that be known for one second, so all of my headers will be one of her songs. But on to the real topic, what is up with researching stuff these days? I think we all struggle with some sort of blues when it comes to finding something that is factual and true, so how do we go about researching what we need to research about our research topic? Confusing, huh? Let’s try to dive deeper into this ongoing topic, so maybe, we can have nice things.

this is me trying…

How do we know what we need to research?

The simple answer is to research everything because why not? Anything that could be deemed non-fiction or informational or anything that is source-based should ultimately be researched. If you are also making any claims of any sort in your work, it should be backed by a source. According to the Pressbooks segment on Why Research is Important, “When someone makes a claim, we should examine the claim from a number of different perspectives: what is the expertise of the person making the claim, what might they gain if the claim is valid, does the claim seem justified given the evidence, and what do other researchers think of the claim?” Remembering this as we’re drafting our research projects can help alleviate any hardships.

Blankspace

Where do I find sources?

If you are blanking while trying to find credible sources, the easiest way to start is by searching your topic through Google. Run it through the search engine and then watch the sources flow. Some notable things to watch out for are articles from Wikipedia… just kidding! I truly believe that you can learn from everything you read, and Sarah Ann Singer agrees. She says that “it is simply limited by its genre-an open-access encyclopedia-and if students understand how to use it (for instance, for learning about well-established topics that may be new to them), it can be extraordinarily useful,” (Singer, Embracing Wildcard Sources). Wikipedia and Useful feel like they shouldn’t coincide, but they do! Although I myself still shy away from Wikipedia, I understand that the information can be a starting point for someone who is unfamiliar with their topic.

Clean

How do I know if a source is credible and appropriate for my project?

A sound rule of thumb when researching is using sites that end with .org and .edu. if you're unsure or uncomfortable with diving deep, deep, deep!

If you are especially researching anything science-related, it needs to be accredited through some kind of organization, foundation, or university that specializes in researching that topic or is accredited by the university. Usually, these websites are source-based as well and have cited a source.

Out Of The Woods

How do I incorporate sources into my writing?

Writing creatively and incorporating sources can be a bit challenging. I think getting very familiar with your research topic of choice and using what you’ve learned, teaching it through dialogue, would be the best way to do this, and citing your sources at the very end of your work. For instance, having a physician or professional that can easily discuss and inform the other characters of the information you researched.

hoax

Where can I find more information?

1. Embracing Wildcard Sources: Information Literacy in the Age of Internet Health

   • Sarah Ann Singer

     • https://www.proquest.com/docview/2329715830?accountid=12085&forcedol=true&forcedol=true

2. “Why Is Research Important”

   • Kathryn Dumper, William Jenkins, Arlene Lacombe, Marilyn Lovett, and Marion Perimutter

     • https://opentext.wsu.edu/psych105/chapter/why-is-research-important/

doomsday

Before you read, listen to this song by Lizzy McAlpine. I’ve always thought I was good at moving on. Letting things be and letting people be who they were meant… but for the first time in my life, I had wanted more for someone than they wanted for themselves. I had seen their soul and every part of their heart, even when they tried to hide from me. I never imagined myself accepting that our time was up for good. Our chapter has finally ended. I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to daydream about the what-ifs anymore because I know the end. I know that we were not right for each other.

I always try to find the takeaways from all of this. What did I learn about myself when we were together? I know now that I can love. I know now that I love fiercely and unapologetically. I learned that I don’t give up. I am patient and kind and careful. I can communicate the things that bother me and can find solutions. I learned that there are things in a relationship that I can no longer compromise at 24. All of these realizations made me love myself more. I know all of this sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Ask him. Ask them all, actually.

I’m not trying to talk myself up. Writing is how I try to find all of the answers to all of this, truly. I’ve always felt that I needed to know the why. Why had this happened? Why had I felt that way towards them? And so on. I had to find the beauty in it all because if I had focused on the ugly, I would turn into it. I didn’t want that. I don’t cast out the ugly, though. That is beautiful, too. I’ve just learned how to let it go with my words.

I know that if it weren’t for him, I would have never truly seen me. I would’ve never been this secure with myself. I think that’s something to celebrate. I seriously don’t know how I got here or where I came from, but I’m grateful. Endings are beautiful, too.

the 1

The 1.

I’m not sure how I got here or where I came from anymore. I’m not sure if it was a switch or if I was just tired of truly trying. I don’t really care to be perceived in any kind of way anymore, and I do most things for the sake of myself. I do things because I wanna and I don’t do things because I don’t wanna. I’ve never felt more sure of myself than I do at this moment and I’ve never been more content with my life than I do now. This is who I’ve been working to become. This is where I begin again.

I can say no if I want and say yes if I want and I don’t feel bad about any decision that I’ve chosen anymore. I still feel as if I don’t know anything about anything anymore, but I’ve let go of the pressure of knowing and predicting. I think that’s the key to it all. Letting go of trying to know everything and just letting the universe lead and guide you because you are exactly where you need to be. It’s important to be in the moment and take care of yourself now. Your future self will rejoice.

I decided to listen to the playlist that I listened to during this time last year. I’m quickly reminded of the person I was and how lost she felt. How she saw an opportunity and just went for it. How she let go of the idea of the guy she thought she’d be with and who she was at that moment. She was powerful and she just didn’t know it. I am a product of all of my past selves, and now that this year is ending, I’m not sure if that person is truly gone. I’m not sure if she was ever meant to leave… if any of that makes sense. The idea of me evolving doesn’t mean letting go of myself, but letting go of all of those negative internalized feelings. Letting life play out the way it’s meant to. Letting go of the pain that’s come with hurting myself begging for someone to love me the way I tried to love them. I think I did it, guys.

Again, I’m not sure of the exact moment all of this happened. I’m not sure this feeling will stay. I’m sure I’ll feel lost again and I’ll feel like I don’t know what the heck is going on, but I hope to remember how I feel at this moment.

recently,

It’s been a while for sure. Life without writing has been weird. I’ve been thinking of how my life used to be submerged in art, in being creative, and now I’m fighting myself every day to pick up a pen and paper to at least jot down some thoughts. Some days, I lose. I have been caught in the eye of the storm as of late. I don’t know if I should just go back the way I came or just close my eyes and keep walking through. Or should I just lay down in the middle because right now, I’m actually getting used to the feeling?

I feel like I don’t truly understand anyone anymore, and I fear that maybe I’ve been the one selfishly going about life, friendships, and relationships. I’ve been invalidating my feelings about situations and have forgotten to feel. For a second, I thought I was figuring all of this out. I thought I was figuring myself out, but then someone showed me that I know absolutely nothing. I wrote in my journal today, “I know nothing about nothing.” That feeling really has been the reason why I’ve been stuck in my own head and in deep thought about every single thing.

Had I truly known the different layers of people? Had I truly known my own? I read somewhere (source: trust me bro) that sometimes, there are blind spots in our own personalities and how we’re perceived. Sometimes, we truly can’t see how people see us. No matter how hard we try, some people simply will see us for who we are… or who they want us to be. Another reason why I think all of this to be confusing.

This is a short one today, but I think I’ll go into further detail next time.

Got To Give It Up- Pt.1

There are so many drafts I haven’t finished or had the guts to truly tell on myself. I think about this website every single day, but I never really know what to say or write these days because my emotions have been quite stagnant for some time. I go to write, I reread it, and then realize that I’ve written it all before… but there is something that has been tugging at me. What I got to give up in a couple of years.

Time is seriously ticking for me and I feel like I’m caught in two different worlds at the moment. What the world wants me to be, and what I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve always been free-spirited, but the shackles of my decisions as a teenager have brought me into this mess. I feel like I can’t just be and I feel indebted to my current job and all of the people who’ve believed in me for the past 5 years, but at the end of the day, I want to create. I felt like I could possibly combine the two, but I find myself not feeling creative.

A year and a half, and maybe less to figure this shit out. I know it doesn’t like a big deal, and the conventional or traditional thing would be for me to try and combine the two as I’ve said before, but it’s like mixing water and oil. Sure you can mix and mix it all you want but once it stands still, one will rise to the top, and the other will sink to the bottom. I already know which one has taken the back burner. I can’t tell y’all the last time I’ve written a script or drafted on any of my unfinished books that sit on this laptop. I can’t tell you how many poems I’ve drafted that are unfinished because I haven’t had the guts to just complete them. It’s tough sometimes.

I just hope I have enough guts to just do it, but either way, there’s going to be something that I have to give up.

Better Distractions

Today, I decided to do my old off-day routine. That entails coffee shop, nap, binge watch a tv show, and a ride down Lollie Bottoms to top off my evening. I haven’t been feeling the best about my writing abilities as of late, and I’ve been writing the same old things over and over again in my journal. I haven’t found the best routine for me yet. Like I wonder what that will consist of for me. Maybe I need a tentative schedule so I won’t feel like my life is like blah sometimes.

The coffee shop of choice is Blue Sail in Conway. I’ve written some really cool things here, so I wanted to feel a bit connected to the writer I once was. Maybe we’ll inspire each other. So far, so good. I didn’t get my old seat today, but I’m content. My favorite barista in the world is here today. Nobody compares to Christa. She is what makes this place feel like home for me. Sitting here seems so familiar to me, but at the same time, different. I feel a bit wiser, and maybe my drive or whatever you may call it has settled.

The meat of what I really wanted to talk about is the idea of distractions. I feel like I’ve been asking myself what I’m trying to push back today? What are the things I’m not addressing? I think the biggest elephant in the room is mourning the life I thought I was going to have at 23. All a girl wants to do is write, but doors are constantly getting slammed in one’s face… It can be a bit discouraging for anyone. I try not to take any of it personally, but it feels a bit personal sometimes when the same people are doing the slamming.

I think this is the only thing that I’ll probably keep distracting myself from. I’ll continue to sit at coffee shops with my laptop and Airpods and act like I’m saying anything of value. I’ll act as if I’m working at a publishing house and I have this deadline that’s almost impossible to make, but I do nonetheless because I am that girl. I always wonder if living in Arkansas has anything to do with my lack of chance. I’ve always thought staying here was the actual reason for my current downfall.

Although I could use better distractions at times, I don’t think of ever giving up like the world wants you to.

Distance

I absolutely love this song by Yebba. I listen to it every day while I’m making my morning coffee. There’s another song by Emily King that is just as good. I hope you get a feel for my taste in music while reading some of my work.

I’ve been doing a lot of writing and deleting lately, but I wanted to challenge myself to post something today. Every time I go to delete something, I think of the conversation a couple of years back with Brittney. I told her I wanted to get rid of two journals I wrote in 2019-2020 because I was whining and didn’t enjoy what I wrote. She encouraged me not to, and I didn't, for her. I was bored the other day and decided to read a couple of entries while I was drinking wine. It felt like a time machine, almost. I felt like I was being catapulted into a time before covid, before “discovering” myself, and before I found my actual voice as a writer. It was a time I questioned myself the most, but never everyone else around me. It was the time right after I was finding my “look.” It was single-handly the most important time of my life, up until these last couple of months, and I almost threw it all away.

Distance isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve always been a firm believer in distancing oneself in order to find clarity. I’ve found that to be the best way to combat the world too. Distancing myself from who I’m supposed to be to you, and becoming closer to the person who I know I am. I don’t chase, I attract type beat. I’ve gotten a lot better at detaching myself from certain outcomes as well. I still think it’s important to feel, but I think I’ve finally found a healthy balance between feeling the feelings and detaching from them as well because ultimately, we are not those feelings. We have to allow them to flow through us because if we hold onto anger or sadness, then we become it. It starts manifesting in everything else.

In all of my journals, in each ever-changing season of my life, my goal is to be at peace. I want to be at peace with who I am and where I’m at in life. I think peace also comes with acceptance and in the past, I’ve had a hard time accepting the things that have happened to me because I question everything. Although I question things for the sake of art, I think I’ve learned to stop questioning myself. Then peace came. I accept every part of me. I accept. Then came self-love and gratitude for the distance I put between the “self” and “worldly” projections.

This will probably be my last blog until the New Year. I hope everyone learned a little bit about themselves this year. The one piece of advice I would give to everyone reading is to accept yourself first so you won’t be looking for others to accept you and stop neglecting yourself for the acceptance of others. I wish it hadn’t taken me 23 years to figure that part out, but, finally.

Pluto Projector

The cool thing about TikTok is that it exposes you to new music and different artists. This song pretty much catapulted my dry spell of not writing leisurely. Rex Orange County has some other hits as well. You guys should check them out!

I want to talk briefly about the quiet moments writers don’t talk about when our minds are going 100 miles an hour, but the words just won’t come out. This feeling is torturous. I hate when I feel like I need to write, but nothing comes out. I’d rather have a foggy mind or something because the fogginess eventually goes away. It’s so hard to slow down my brain sometimes when I know there’s something I need to write, but it isn’t quite coming out correctly.

The other day, my brain slowed down and I wrote two chapters of a new project I’ve been wanting to start. I didn’t know how I should start it, so I started with myself… if that makes any sense to anyone. I’m writing something that I wish I could read. I’m writing for myself again and that’s beautiful in itself. I’ve been doing a lot of things for myself lately. I like that.

Anyways, I really did want to talk about the lyrics to this song and how they’ve inspired me. One lyric says, “am I man to understand my faults?” I went into a very deep quandary about this question… was I really meant to understand myself 100% of the time? I then thought about all of the times I projected who I thought I was supposed to be to appear likable when in reality, it made my understanding of self worse. I think I understand myself a bit more than yesterday. I don’t put pressure on the unknown anymore either. I appear to be someone else to different people anyway, so there’s not a need to put any pressure on appearance. The girls that get it, get it, and the girls that don’t, don’t.

I had a talk with a friend about detachment and why he was so good at it. Although I don’t necessarily agree with some of what he said, I think there were a couple of things I could learn about his way of detachment. Ignoring. I tend to dwell on those sad emotions and let them sit and sit until I believe those things to be true about myself, but if I felt those feelings, let them move past me, and then occupy my time with doing things I love. I love writing, I love listening to music, I love going to River City, I love naps, and I love hanging out with my friends. So now I’m doing all of those things and life doesn’t seem as hard… even if I have a grey hair at 23 to prove it.

I think my conclusion in all of my deep diving is that I want to do things that make me happy and be around people that bring out the good parts of me as well. I think that although I don’t understand myself most of the time, I know that I want peace and I will do whatever it takes to get there. Now that I am learning the law of detachment, I think I am one step closer to “understanding myself.”

May Your Kindness Remain

A friend sent me this song a year and a half ago, and I remember crying to it the first time heard it. The build-up is beautiful and so are the lyrics. It resonated deeply with me during a time I was trying to figure myself out and navigate the attention of others. It sums up the feeling of being desired but not understood. It’s about being kind when you have nothing left but your soul pretty much.

This used to be the go-to song that I’d play when life was messy. I sometimes go back to it, like days like today when I don’t think kindness is something that’s ever benefited the person showing it. I love showing people that I care about them but when it isn't returned, it hurts. I want to make sure people never feel what I felt, but I end up feeling it anyways in the end, so what’s the point? Maybe that’s the ego talking, but it’s true. It can drain a person… always being the one giving.

I don’t care if anyone sees this one if I’m being honest. I have no plans of promoting it anywhere other than Jambolan Wind Area on Instagram, so I’m not going to be upset if anyone sees this one.

But anyway, maybe it’s me though, maybe I’ve always chosen people who never really cared to show me the kindness they show towards their buddies or whatever. It’s kind of insane to think about all of the times I have put others’ feelings before my own. I tiptoe on a glass floor that’s already cracked. Kindness seems like glass to me, and so does the word nice and grace (with the exception of my niece Gracie, I love you).

I think I can recall one guy that has shown me kindness throughout my years of dating. His name rhymed with Pam. We’re going to call him “Pam” throughout this story. Pam was a very special guy and he is the only reason why I keep trying at this point. I met Pam about a year ago around this time. We lived two houses down from each other and I was always curious about him when I saw him walk his big black dog with his Chacos on and his big straw hat. Just by his walk, I knew how goofy and wholesome he’d be… and he was. I won’t get into detail about the little time we spent together because I’d like to keep that private, but Pam is the only guy that has shown me genuine kindness, and I knew it was kindness. I didn’t have to question it. I never questioned if he was just saying certain things because of the circumstances that were. He was genuine.

Pam showed up in all of my poems after I met him. He showed up in my short stories and scripts… I felt like I could eloquently write a man that “was written by a woman” because meeting him almost felt like he was. I honestly think he’s the only exception to any of what I was saying before that paragraph. Some people you could just tell they were good by the way they looked at you. You could tell they’ve been through a lot, but you could tell that they chose to keep going. I think that’s why I always found comfort in writing about him. I often wonder if I was that to other people because I never told him how grateful I was for his kindness. So Pam, if you ever stumble across my blog, thank you.

A couple of weeks passed by and this was stuck in the drafts. I think I still feel the same about kindness as I did when I wrote it.

Ok, Love You Bye

When I write in my journal, I usually title the entry as a song title. It’s just been something I’ve always done, so I’m going to implement it in my blog. “Ok Love You Bye,” by Olivia Dean has been stuck in my head all week. Listening to love songs made me ask myself recently… have I ever truly experienced love? And why was the idea so addicting to me?

I don’t think I’ve truly ever been in love with someone. It used to bother me that I’ve never felt it. How could I crave something I know nothing about? Does loving someone feel different than loving a friend platonically, or a family member? It has to be similar, right? I mean, it shows up in every single thing I write. It doesn’t matter if I’m writing a poem or a short story, the main theme will always, always be love. And don't get me started on Rom-Coms, they are so addicting! I love the cliché chick-flick movies. I love romanticizing my life and acting as if I’m the main character because life is too short to not see the beauty in everything I do. Just my opinion.

I like how I’ve spent every day so far in my life because it has led me to this moment right here. I feel content with where I’m at in my life. It’s uncomfortable and weird and although I’m scared of what’s to come next, I’m starting to welcome in those moments. I might not know how loving someone else feels like, but I know how it feels to love myself and award myself some extra grace that the world doesn’t give. That’s beautiful in itself, right?

Today, I finished my green journal and started a new one. It’s always strange, and yet refreshing starting a new one. It’s like letting go of an era or something. This last one was so special to me, though. I probably grew the most this past year. I learned to love myself in every messy stage I’ve been in this past year. As I’m writing, I’m realizing that maybe loving myself has been enough this entire time. Maybe I don’t need to know, maybe they could never truly love me the way I needed to be loved anyway.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m only 23, but it pains me to think about all the time I’ve wasted with people who weren’t sure of me. Every time something ends, I’m reminded that I think of the world and love differently than others. Sure, being with someone that it just makes sense to be with is okay for some, but that’s not what I want for me. I don’t think people realize how emotionally unavailable they are sometimes, and I crave a connection. That’s the part of a relationship I want, and I can’t imagine one without it when I show up for myself every single day.

Like the hopeless romantic I am, I picture the moment I’d know when I was in love with a guy. Would my foot go up when we shared a kiss like in The Princess Diaries? Or would “Kiss Me,” by Sixpence None The Richer play in my head when I saw them? Only time will tell, I suppose.

Today’s The Day…

After months of procrastinating and making excuses, I finally decided to hunker down and officially publish this website. Whoop whoop! Of course, there are some kinks I have to fix as I go. I am very new to this! However, in this moment, I feel very good about the direction this is going and I can’t wait to see where it takes me. We are in a weird time and I feel like maybe it would help to read something positive about our community we love. I can’t wait to hit the ground rolling, but first, I must find my first Fleeting Legend. I have some ideas, and hopefully the collective could help me along the way for more articles about our entrepreneurs in our community. This will be a short blog post for today. Thank you everyone for your support! I can’t wait to share my first Fleeting Legend! Stay tuned!

-Daija Brown

Behind The Fleeting Legend

I thought it to be fitting to have a separate space for my blog so I could vent, talk to you guys, or just talk to myself, rather. This is the side of my work where I don’t care if anyone reads it. This blog is for me. I want to be candid about my life, work, relationships, or what-have-you. At this moment, I need some sort of escape in this world. Some sort of positivity. The only thing I could think of at this moment was talking to people who have overcome obstacles. I want to help put their stories out to encourage someone else who wants to walk down similar paths.

I want to be honest about something. I have never seen myself work a conventional 9-5 job. I never wanted to be a part of the modern-day slavery that our capitalist society has forced us to be a part of. I don’t want to look forward to the weekends, and most importantly, I want to love my work. I love to write. I want this to one day be my job, but for some of us, we aren’t as lucky to have the internships, the free time, or the means to work for experience and volunteer in-between a full-time job. I created this website so I could work around my schedule, and no one else’s.

My goal at the end of the day is to create and inspire people to just fucking do it. Unapologetically. I think it’s easy to let people project their failed dreams and aspirations on others.

Anyways, this blog will be short and sweet because this is supposed to be an “introduction,” if you will. I hope you enjoy reading the stories of the Fleeting Legends, and I hope you enjoy reading my story as well.

-Daija Brown