May Your Kindness Remain
A friend sent me this song a year and a half ago, and I remember crying to it the first time heard it. The build-up is beautiful and so are the lyrics. It resonated deeply with me during a time I was trying to figure myself out and navigate the attention of others. It sums up the feeling of being desired but not understood. It’s about being kind when you have nothing left but your soul pretty much.
This used to be the go-to song that I’d play when life was messy. I sometimes go back to it, like days like today when I don’t think kindness is something that’s ever benefited the person showing it. I love showing people that I care about them but when it isn't returned, it hurts. I want to make sure people never feel what I felt, but I end up feeling it anyways in the end, so what’s the point? Maybe that’s the ego talking, but it’s true. It can drain a person… always being the one giving.
I don’t care if anyone sees this one if I’m being honest. I have no plans of promoting it anywhere other than Jambolan Wind Area on Instagram, so I’m not going to be upset if anyone sees this one.
But anyway, maybe it’s me though, maybe I’ve always chosen people who never really cared to show me the kindness they show towards their buddies or whatever. It’s kind of insane to think about all of the times I have put others’ feelings before my own. I tiptoe on a glass floor that’s already cracked. Kindness seems like glass to me, and so does the word nice and grace (with the exception of my niece Gracie, I love you).
I think I can recall one guy that has shown me kindness throughout my years of dating. His name rhymed with Pam. We’re going to call him “Pam” throughout this story. Pam was a very special guy and he is the only reason why I keep trying at this point. I met Pam about a year ago around this time. We lived two houses down from each other and I was always curious about him when I saw him walk his big black dog with his Chacos on and his big straw hat. Just by his walk, I knew how goofy and wholesome he’d be… and he was. I won’t get into detail about the little time we spent together because I’d like to keep that private, but Pam is the only guy that has shown me genuine kindness, and I knew it was kindness. I didn’t have to question it. I never questioned if he was just saying certain things because of the circumstances that were. He was genuine.
Pam showed up in all of my poems after I met him. He showed up in my short stories and scripts… I felt like I could eloquently write a man that “was written by a woman” because meeting him almost felt like he was. I honestly think he’s the only exception to any of what I was saying before that paragraph. Some people you could just tell they were good by the way they looked at you. You could tell they’ve been through a lot, but you could tell that they chose to keep going. I think that’s why I always found comfort in writing about him. I often wonder if I was that to other people because I never told him how grateful I was for his kindness. So Pam, if you ever stumble across my blog, thank you.
A couple of weeks passed by and this was stuck in the drafts. I think I still feel the same about kindness as I did when I wrote it.