The Bug Collector

This weather does something to me if I’m being honest. I can think of a million and one things to write about, but the only thing that’s on my mind is me sitting here at the coffee shop. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, though. I think it has something to do with the “dating hiatus” I’m on. I get to become myself. My authentic self without wondering if a guy likes who I’ve become or not. I think that’s the strange and damaging thing about dating that we accidentally teach girls. The “no boy will like you if you do this or that,” is polarizing for some women. To think their only value comes from the gaze of men is traumatizing.

I get so angry at myself for being that person that filtered themselves because they were too loud or talked too much. I was a shell of who I wanted to be, who I was, and who I’ve always needed. So one day, I decided to become it. I became the person I have always needed. I questioned everything and trusted myself to make the right decision. I was gentle and kind to myself because I knew mistakes were bound to happen. I affirmed myself when no one else knew I needed it.

I can’t recall the exact moment of my “transformation,” but I know that my friends could tell that I was much happier after a while. I think it’s so easy to become dependent on others to make you feel euphoria, that whenever you go cold turkey, you suffer from withdrawal. There were times when I thought that if I just reached out to that one guy, maybe I wouldn’t have to feel alone… but I stopped myself because I loved myself that much.