Slowly

I can’t believe I haven't written anything in a year on here. Wow. This year has been a whirlwind. A lot of loss is all I have experienced. I feel like I lost a version of myself in a way. Daija as we know it has been gutted from the inside out. To the point, I have no clue who I am anymore. I feel like I have always constantly reinvented myself, but everything around me feels so different. It’s like my eyes have been forced to stay open this entire year. Constantly feeling out-of-body experiences within my body. It has forced me to slowly figure myself out.

Today, I rotted. I have been so stuck in my head, constantly trying to find some kind of answer as to why I’ve been so numb lately. “Why do I feel so numb?” I constantly ask myself. I say it’s what happened to me in February, what happened to me in May, what happened to me last Tuesday, or what happened to me on Friday. I think it’s all of it, along with work stress, of course. I don’t think I’ve given myself a second to process any of what has happened to me. I just keep going. I write in my journal and try and process and feel my emotions to release them, but the reality is, I am still holding on to all of it.

How could this possibly be? How have I not let go of it all? Or maybe I have and grief isn’t really linear. I think I have been grieving what my love life would be like. I have friends who are married, having babies, getting engaged, meeting their person, and yet I am constantly getting traumatized by 20-something men who haven’t a clue what they truly want in this world. It has made me hesitate in putting myself out there. I will keep trying, I suppose.

Anyways, such is life.