Wildflowers & Wine

Whew. What a song. If you have a lover, drink some wine and dance with them in the kitchen to this song. It’s literally the perfect song for it.

I have a slew of drafts just sitting on this website. There are some things I dare not say because of the specifics of the topic, and I don't want to get in trouble, but today is a new day. A new night, rather. So, sit back and relax, and join me in my pity party on this fine Thanksgiving evening.

Recently, I reconnected with someone from 2021 this September. It was after another failed attempt at love, and for whatever reason, this person lingered on my mind after I had ended things. I thought it’d be a good idea to reach out and tell this person how I truly felt, even if I knew they didn’t feel the same. My motto is “life is short, and then you die,” so I thought of this moment and this feeling to be any different. Now, I hadn’t regretted a single confession I’d ever bestowed on a special someone before, but tonight, I regret it. Something is humbling about dating nowadays. It is so disheartening to want something real and raw, but the culture of things is very artificial. Living in this time has been a double-edged sword for me. Wanting the traditionalism, but the masses lacking the emotional capacity to even pursue or to really see women as actual living breathing organisms…

I thought this person was my endgame in 2021. I had felt very strongly for this person, but I think time has awarded me less clouds, less rose-colored lenses, less daydreams, and I know in my heart, that I must let him go. For whatever reason, I held on, thinking things between us would be different, but my gut was telling me no, and my heart was yearning for more. I hate that this is what it has come to. Had he just been the one?

I had never been loved softly by a man. I’ve never had anyone buy me little trinkets because they thought of me. I have never had anyone take me out on a date knowing I’d love it, not because they wanted that, but because they knew I’d want it. I think of all this and I think how sad this must be as a 25-year-old. How jaded it must be to have this sort of delusional haze.

Written November 2023.